nicole and the big wide world

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i’m pretty sure i’m broken.

it’s hard to explain, i guess. i just really don’t think i can be classified as normal anymore, as if i ever could. i’ll try to start from the beginning, chances are no one will actually read this, but oh well.

so for the last year i have been through some very difficult relationship situations. i was single for the longest time, and i honestly really liked it that way. then in june of last year i met a guy who changed that for me. i fell for him so quickly. but our relationship was so strange, within a week we were both certain that we were in love. and then we just kind of had a lot of sex, like…a lot of it. there was never any real relationship, it was just sex. so for the whole relationship i was neglected from normal relationship things, such as cuddling, movies, dates, and actual affection. in my mind we were just so in love we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other, in reality…i don’t even know..it was just lust obviously, but i still think he loved me, in his own, very weird way. anyway; we, of course, ended up breaking up. but i was still devastated because in my little delusional world, that was how love was supposed to be. eventually i started dating my best friend’s boyfriend’s best friend. and our relationship was similar but the exact opposite. we had sex all the damn time, never went out, never cuddled and he emphasized to me, daily that he did not love me. and he would not just arbitrarily say that he did. if i ever heard it, he’d mean it. i liked this relationship, i thought it was mature to not dive into saying love, especially after the relationship i had recently gotten out of. we, also ended up breaking up. again, i was pretty devastated, because for once, i thought i was in a grown up, mature relationship. and i had ruined it. 

now i’m dating this guy and we have a “normal” relationship. we cuddle, i go to his house to watch movies, we go out to eat, we tyedye, i make him presents, he buys me flowers and he always wants to tell me how much he likes just spending time with me. we haven’t even gotten close to having sex yet. i like this relationship. but at the same time..after a year of what i’ve been through, this doesn’t seem normal to me. it irritates me when he holds me, and when he just wants a kiss. i don’t know how to respond when he wants to go out anywhere. and “come over to my house to watch movies all day” used to have such a different meaning. and although i like him soooooooooo much, i’m not used to this and therefore, i am not okay with it.

i’m really upset about all of this because i legitimately think i’m broken. i realize all relationships are different, but any girl in the world would kill to trade places with me and i’m so uncomfortable with it. /:

three hundred and sixty crayons, five hours, two tries, and one power outage later. 

if this boy doesn’t love me after this, he never will.

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